This brought tears to my eyes ...

http://www.cnn.com/2009/US/11/07/vif2.unknown.vets/index.html

There can't be anything more frightening than dying alone, unforgotten, unmourned.  These gentlemen might have been forgotten in life, but they were celebrated in death.  But I can't get the image out of my mind - those last hours/minutes of their lives, alone, probably scared, wondering how they got that way ... no family, no friends.

That is what scares me the most - dying alone.  Which is why I want to go out on my own terms.  There won't be anyone there for me and I WILL NOT burden my sisters or brother or their children with my mess.  I made it, I'll live with it.

Until then, however, I will exist.  Try to live vicariously through my friends.  Love my soulmate from afar and lamenting the future I'll never have.

I will, however, tell HIM how I feel, how much he is loved, how I will love him until the day I die and that NO ONE, EVER, will love him as much as I do.  Not possible.  I'm not sure how or when I'll tell him, but I will.  I've drafted what I will write (don't think I could actually say it to his face without crying) and will modify it slightly as time goes by.

Now, if I can just get through yet another holiday season without crying myself to sleep every night.  I just can't stand all those "happy family" commercials or even worse, those jewelry commercials where they guy finally gets a clue and gives his gf/wife jewelry and they hug and kiss.

God, I hate the holidays.

~ Nichola

End of the road

It is now officially the holiday season.  The season where you are inundated with jewelry commercials and happy family holiday gathering commercials and couples come out of the woodwork, holding hands, hugging and kissing to stay warm ...  I can't stand it anymore.

I see pictures of my friends on Facebook ... pictures where their significant other is kissing them, or looking at them with so much love you can feel it yourself.  It's really hard to see those pictures and not want what they have.  For one time in my life, I want someone to look at ME that way.  To kiss me, or just hold me.

I used to try to make deals with "the powers that be" whoever they are.  Just give me 24 hours of being loved, held, embraced, being the center of the universe for someone ... for just 24 hours, then I'd never ask for anything again.  I'd be happy with those 24 hours; live the rest of my life remembering those 24 hours.  You see, I've never been "happy" ... never really felt joy.  Never felt love.  Yep, the title of this blog really sums it up ... a real fiasco.

Never did the dating thing in high school or college.  No one ever looked my way, never asked me out.  It's not that I'm hideous ... I'm not sure why.  Too loud maybe, too opinionated, too ... much.  When HE started talking to me I really thought my lonely days were behind me.  I was such a fool.  Why on earth I thought things would turn around at my age, I'll never know.  HE was just being polite, wanted a FRIEND to talk to.  Always the friend, never the girlfriend.

While I said I was going to kill my dream, it's been real hard.  I see HIM a few times a week (I make extra money teaching at night - he's there at the school) and it hurts like hell each time he says "hi" to me.  It's not like I can avoid him - that would be too obvious.  So I smile, say "hi," ask how the job is going, etc.  But in my mind, I'm fantisizing about him just holding my fucking hand.  Pathetic much?

I tried to do the "on-line" dating thing, to move on, but they wanted $30 a month!  Jeez!  I can barely make it paycheck to paycheck and they want to charge to help me find someone so I won't be alone.  So yet, another nail in the coffin of my dream.

So I've decided how to end it.  Now, don't panic, I'm not talking anytime soon.  I've got too many responsibilities right now.  Plus I would never leave Woof homeless.  But some day, in the distant future, once Woof is gone, I'm going to buy some nice lingerie, put on some makeup, do my hair and it'll be me and some sleeping pills.  Karma be damned, NOTHING could be worse than the life I've been living ... if you call it living.

Until then, however, I guess I just have to muddle through.  Smile when my friends find their soulmates; smile during the weddings; smile at the baby showers ... while slowly and painfully dying inside.

I'll still post here - hopefully with a little more upbeat content.  I still have to give my review of "Julie & Julia" - the book/movie that started this whole blogging thing.  Look for it soon!

~ Nichola

RIP Patrick Swayze

An icon from my childhood is gone. The Outsiders, Dirty Dancing, Ghost, Point Break - they were all amazing, memorable movies which starred an incredible actor.

Patrick showed tremendous strength through much adversity.  He showed us that we must fight until our last breath and let NOTHING slow us down.  He showed us that there still is fidelity in marriage and that love can last a lifetime.

He will be missed.

- Nichola

I cry for what has been lost

It seems that they have found the Yale student and bride-to-be Annie Le's body.  I cry for what she has lost - not only her life, but what was just around the corner for her.  I weep for the lost sunsets, the lost kisses, the lost hugs that she will never get with her husband.  I weep for the lost wedding that had been so close for her. I weep for her lost future.

I cry because she can't.

Annie, may you rest in peace.

- Nichola

An okay day ...

It's just an okay day.  Got a cold that isn't making the day any better and am stuck here at work at least until 6:30p.  And there's a list a mile long of to-do stuff at home and I really don't want to do any of them.

I really got to get on the ball and look for a new job.  It seems every month I'm just barely making it and no savings to fall back on, just like millions of other Americans these days.  I shouldn't be in this position this late in life and with all the freakin' degrees I have.

Wish me luck.  I think I'm going to try for a goal of applying for at least 5 jobs in the next week.  Five jobs that will pay me what I'm worth so I don't have to sell off my possessions just to make rent!

- Nichola (who's still trying to get over him and it's not working)

Death of a Dream

Have you ever had to let a dream die?  I recently had to come to the conclusion that my biggest, most vivid, most hoped-for dream had to come to an end.

You see, I have fallen head-over-heels in love.  Not the "I've got a crush on you" love nor "Let's date and see where this thing goes" love but honest-to-God soulmate-finding love. 

Let me start from the beginning ...

I've never really "dated."  In high school, I was popular, but not for my looks.  I was popular because I was smart in a school full of high-schoolers going nowhere (I think only 20% of the graduating class got post-high-school training).  But it was a small school where I'd known most of the people since kindergarten, and I was not pretty or a cheerleader, so the odds were stacked against me from the start.  My grandma always told me to wait until I got to college - that's where I'd "bloom" and there'd be dates and parties and I'd find him there.

Alas, while there were plenty of parties (and a bit of groping) in college, no real "dates" - no one really looked my way.  I didn't know how to flirt, nor how to dress to catch a guy's eye.  (Mom left when I was 15 so I had no female influence on how to be "feminine.")  Graduate school went the same way - but at least I studied hard and got good grades, even if I did cry a lot.

I hit my mid-20s and all seemed hopeless; that is, until I had this "vision" while meditating one day.  I was at my Dad's place, running after a little girl who I assumed was my own - we were running toward this guy that I could see clear as day.  That guy was my husband, I knew it!

Well, my 20s came and went, as did the 30s and the guy never showed; well, NO guy showed, no matter how much I tried to "get out there" and flirt, dress nice, etc.  That is until 2006 when HE showed up in one of my classes.  But huge problem - one, I was his instructor (though the class was purely an elective class, still ...) and there was 17 years difference.  While I have no problem with the age difference, I figured he would as he wasn't even 21 yet.

Now, every woman lies about her age and I shaved off 6 years just to see what may happen after he was no longer my student.  He flirted, he walked me to my car, he talked with me for hours on end.  But one day my heart was torn when, in passing, he mentioned his gf.  I was devastated - I was sure I was on the right track, that my "vision" was going to come true.

Well, I was patient, thinking the gf was just a passing fancy and that he really liked me but wanted to wait until he had finished college to see where he was in life.

It's now 2009; he's still in my life, as a friend, but I'm afraid I have to face the fact that the gf is here to stay.  I had a friend come right out and confront him recently.  She said he seemed conflicted, but that he said the gf thing was not going to change anytime soon. 

I'll never understand guys - why they flirt when they don't mean it.

So, this past weekend I had to come to the realization that a husband and child are not going to come true.  I'm too old to play games and getting too old to have children anyway.  So I said good-bye to my dreams and allowed them to dissolve away.  It's been hard (and family drama on top of this hasn't helped, but that's a blog for another day) and I still cry for the lost little girl from my dreams.  I cry for the lost security and love that I felt in my dreams.  But mostly, I cry for myself (yes, I'm being selfish) because I would have made the best wife and mother this guy could have ever wished for. 

I love him with all my heart and soul - I've never felt like this before and the feelings just keep getting stronger each day.  I know I will love him until I die.  I wish I could tell him the extent of my feelings - I'd die for him I love him that much.  But I want to keep him as a friend; at least I can see him a couple of times per week, so I don't; I plaster a smile on my face and ignore the shattering of my heart. 

I believe in reincarnation - that we were together in the past and will be together in the future.  But this lifetime ... it wasn't meant to be.  Perhaps this lifetime is some sort of punishment; for loving too much?  I just know that I've been alone for so long ... what's another 40 years?

There will never be another ... him.

- Nichola

End of Summer ...

Well, it's the official end of summer, although there is a chance of a few 80 degree days here in Chicago in September.  I did finish most of my summer reading list over the weekend.  I especially enjoyed Julie and Julia and can't wait for the movie to come to the second-run theatre to see it translated onto the big screen.

This summer I did manage to get to most of the blockbuster movies (unlike last year, where I didn't see a single movie all summer).  Really enjoyed Wolverine, Star Trek, and Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.  Night at the Museum 2 was pretty awesome as well.

Now fall approaches - my favorite season.  I love the cool air, changing colors (and boy, I hope they are brilliant this year!), the smells and Halloween!  My fave holiday!

So here's to the end of summer and onto bigger and better things.

- Nichola