This brought tears to my eyes ...

http://www.cnn.com/2009/US/11/07/vif2.unknown.vets/index.html

There can't be anything more frightening than dying alone, unforgotten, unmourned.  These gentlemen might have been forgotten in life, but they were celebrated in death.  But I can't get the image out of my mind - those last hours/minutes of their lives, alone, probably scared, wondering how they got that way ... no family, no friends.

That is what scares me the most - dying alone.  Which is why I want to go out on my own terms.  There won't be anyone there for me and I WILL NOT burden my sisters or brother or their children with my mess.  I made it, I'll live with it.

Until then, however, I will exist.  Try to live vicariously through my friends.  Love my soulmate from afar and lamenting the future I'll never have.

I will, however, tell HIM how I feel, how much he is loved, how I will love him until the day I die and that NO ONE, EVER, will love him as much as I do.  Not possible.  I'm not sure how or when I'll tell him, but I will.  I've drafted what I will write (don't think I could actually say it to his face without crying) and will modify it slightly as time goes by.

Now, if I can just get through yet another holiday season without crying myself to sleep every night.  I just can't stand all those "happy family" commercials or even worse, those jewelry commercials where they guy finally gets a clue and gives his gf/wife jewelry and they hug and kiss.

God, I hate the holidays.

~ Nichola