http://www.cnn.com/2009/US/11/07/vif2.unknown.vets/index.html
There can't be anything more frightening than dying alone, unforgotten, unmourned. These gentlemen might have been forgotten in life, but they were celebrated in death. But I can't get the image out of my mind - those last hours/minutes of their lives, alone, probably scared, wondering how they got that way ... no family, no friends.
That is what scares me the most - dying alone. Which is why I want to go out on my own terms. There won't be anyone there for me and I WILL NOT burden my sisters or brother or their children with my mess. I made it, I'll live with it.
Until then, however, I will exist. Try to live vicariously through my friends. Love my soulmate from afar and lamenting the future I'll never have.
I will, however, tell HIM how I feel, how much he is loved, how I will love him until the day I die and that NO ONE, EVER, will love him as much as I do. Not possible. I'm not sure how or when I'll tell him, but I will. I've drafted what I will write (don't think I could actually say it to his face without crying) and will modify it slightly as time goes by.
Now, if I can just get through yet another holiday season without crying myself to sleep every night. I just can't stand all those "happy family" commercials or even worse, those jewelry commercials where they guy finally gets a clue and gives his gf/wife jewelry and they hug and kiss.
God, I hate the holidays.
~ Nichola
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
End of the road
It is now officially the holiday season. The season where you are inundated with jewelry commercials and happy family holiday gathering commercials and couples come out of the woodwork, holding hands, hugging and kissing to stay warm ... I can't stand it anymore.
I see pictures of my friends on Facebook ... pictures where their significant other is kissing them, or looking at them with so much love you can feel it yourself. It's really hard to see those pictures and not want what they have. For one time in my life, I want someone to look at ME that way. To kiss me, or just hold me.
I used to try to make deals with "the powers that be" whoever they are. Just give me 24 hours of being loved, held, embraced, being the center of the universe for someone ... for just 24 hours, then I'd never ask for anything again. I'd be happy with those 24 hours; live the rest of my life remembering those 24 hours. You see, I've never been "happy" ... never really felt joy. Never felt love. Yep, the title of this blog really sums it up ... a real fiasco.
Never did the dating thing in high school or college. No one ever looked my way, never asked me out. It's not that I'm hideous ... I'm not sure why. Too loud maybe, too opinionated, too ... much. When HE started talking to me I really thought my lonely days were behind me. I was such a fool. Why on earth I thought things would turn around at my age, I'll never know. HE was just being polite, wanted a FRIEND to talk to. Always the friend, never the girlfriend.
While I said I was going to kill my dream, it's been real hard. I see HIM a few times a week (I make extra money teaching at night - he's there at the school) and it hurts like hell each time he says "hi" to me. It's not like I can avoid him - that would be too obvious. So I smile, say "hi," ask how the job is going, etc. But in my mind, I'm fantisizing about him just holding my fucking hand. Pathetic much?
I tried to do the "on-line" dating thing, to move on, but they wanted $30 a month! Jeez! I can barely make it paycheck to paycheck and they want to charge to help me find someone so I won't be alone. So yet, another nail in the coffin of my dream.
So I've decided how to end it. Now, don't panic, I'm not talking anytime soon. I've got too many responsibilities right now. Plus I would never leave Woof homeless. But some day, in the distant future, once Woof is gone, I'm going to buy some nice lingerie, put on some makeup, do my hair and it'll be me and some sleeping pills. Karma be damned, NOTHING could be worse than the life I've been living ... if you call it living.
Until then, however, I guess I just have to muddle through. Smile when my friends find their soulmates; smile during the weddings; smile at the baby showers ... while slowly and painfully dying inside.
I'll still post here - hopefully with a little more upbeat content. I still have to give my review of "Julie & Julia" - the book/movie that started this whole blogging thing. Look for it soon!
~ Nichola
I see pictures of my friends on Facebook ... pictures where their significant other is kissing them, or looking at them with so much love you can feel it yourself. It's really hard to see those pictures and not want what they have. For one time in my life, I want someone to look at ME that way. To kiss me, or just hold me.
I used to try to make deals with "the powers that be" whoever they are. Just give me 24 hours of being loved, held, embraced, being the center of the universe for someone ... for just 24 hours, then I'd never ask for anything again. I'd be happy with those 24 hours; live the rest of my life remembering those 24 hours. You see, I've never been "happy" ... never really felt joy. Never felt love. Yep, the title of this blog really sums it up ... a real fiasco.
Never did the dating thing in high school or college. No one ever looked my way, never asked me out. It's not that I'm hideous ... I'm not sure why. Too loud maybe, too opinionated, too ... much. When HE started talking to me I really thought my lonely days were behind me. I was such a fool. Why on earth I thought things would turn around at my age, I'll never know. HE was just being polite, wanted a FRIEND to talk to. Always the friend, never the girlfriend.
While I said I was going to kill my dream, it's been real hard. I see HIM a few times a week (I make extra money teaching at night - he's there at the school) and it hurts like hell each time he says "hi" to me. It's not like I can avoid him - that would be too obvious. So I smile, say "hi," ask how the job is going, etc. But in my mind, I'm fantisizing about him just holding my fucking hand. Pathetic much?
I tried to do the "on-line" dating thing, to move on, but they wanted $30 a month! Jeez! I can barely make it paycheck to paycheck and they want to charge to help me find someone so I won't be alone. So yet, another nail in the coffin of my dream.
So I've decided how to end it. Now, don't panic, I'm not talking anytime soon. I've got too many responsibilities right now. Plus I would never leave Woof homeless. But some day, in the distant future, once Woof is gone, I'm going to buy some nice lingerie, put on some makeup, do my hair and it'll be me and some sleeping pills. Karma be damned, NOTHING could be worse than the life I've been living ... if you call it living.
Until then, however, I guess I just have to muddle through. Smile when my friends find their soulmates; smile during the weddings; smile at the baby showers ... while slowly and painfully dying inside.
I'll still post here - hopefully with a little more upbeat content. I still have to give my review of "Julie & Julia" - the book/movie that started this whole blogging thing. Look for it soon!
~ Nichola
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